After the sun went down, after we didn’t drink the coffee we didn’t get, after I didn’t eat the dinner I did not receive, my body started to freeze from the inside out. My lips were purple, my stomach shriveled up into the size of a flea. I had to use my neighbor’s lukewarm breath as a blanket. Things were going poorly, to say the least. I could go on about the travesty, but to be honest, this one, minor, singularly awful entire day-long bus ride (the entire earth actually rotated around the sun while we were on bus 76 headed Northwest) is of miniscule importance compared to the staggering beauty I came across over the course of the next few days.
Bikes and wines opened a door to my heart that I didn’t even know existed, like the secret revolving door in your great-grandfather’s “library.” Bikes & Wines, situated in Mendoza, Argentina–a wine lover’s heaven–lent me my exploratory vehicle, handed me a map, and said, “Bienbebidos.” And that’s exactly what we did. 11 bodegas/vineyards on the map, 8 hours to make the 12 kilometer round. I know what you’re thinking–That seems impossible, right? But then, so, too, did Michael Jackson’s 9th nosejob.
With a positive, adventurous attitude, we traversed the trails and witnessed one of the most glorious places on earth. The ripe green rows of grapevines blurred against a backdrop of snow-capped mountains as I whirred by on my yellow bicycle (not much “whirring by” was taking place, we were really going quite slow…it was more like absynthe embibing, to be frank). I saw God emerge from between two Ande peaks, He nodded, smiled, and blew me a kiss. From then on, I knew I would sell all my belongings, buy a small shack on the Mendoza highway that has no traffic, and take up tarot card reading as my profession.
Our next adventure, after leaving the utmost relaxing city in the universe, was to Santiago, Chile, the birthplace of greatness, freshly squeezed orange juice, cool grafitti, and DirectTV. Just to throw this out there, this bus ride was only 7 hours long and we received coffee, sodas, 2 ham & cheese sandwiches, AND an alfajor. AND 2 movies: Jurassic Park: Lost World, and that movie with Jodie Foster where she “loses her child” on an airplane.
I’m not going to lie, Santiago began with a bit of a scare. I had to save a dear friend of mine from an incredibly potent box of feminine pain reliever. There is no FDA here, and pretty much anything goes. Owing to the skills I have adopted as a result of my love of medical shows like Grey’s Anatomy and House MD, I was able to navigate the situation pretty seamlessly, with the only problem being the guy in front of me who’s butt crack was hanging out. That was really gross. Nothing sangria (for me, not the sick one), a little budín, some empanadas, and Gilmore Girls (in English) couldn’t solve. The rest of Santiago is really a blur, though, because this is the place where I bought my new baby unicorn, Mr. Sparkles, and I just became so enamored with him that I couldn’t focus on being an expert explorer. Although, there were some things I did take away from Chile: a new baby unicorn (duh), a really cool T Shirt, a llama keychain, images of the coolest grafitti ever seen, an STD (gotcha! making sure you’re paying attention…), the life goal to move to Santiago, Chile and own a cool resto-bar in Barrio Bella Vista, the life goal to climb that big mountain in Santiago, Chile, the life goal to be a professional orange juice squeezer, and, finally, a pocketfull of really tiny illegal Chilean immigrants.
Needless to say, Spring Break was pretty damn awesome.
